What happened was.....

Sun, 01 May 2005 22:36:59 GMT

Youth is so amazing. An unclear path to the future and no so cloudy past. Living life without regrets and wanting nothing more then to find your own happiness. So tough yet heartbreak seems fatal, friendships are supposed last forever, you can stay up all night long for days at a time and you are immortal. Careless and reckless chewing up every bit of the world to taste it, feel its texture, learn what you can from it and move on to the next great adventure. Expression is so simple; it comes in a bottle of color, a fashion statement, or with a needle and body jewelry. Fuck authority and submit to peer pressure yet never admit it.

When did I grow up? When did I find it necessary to consume myself with a career and responsibilities? When did I become so boring? Contemplating life is so annoying. Fuck it!

Should I shift or exit?

Sat, 30 Apr 2005 07:14:52 GMT

“There is a certain relief in change, even though it be from bad to worse! As I have often found in traveling in a stagecoach, that it is often a comfort to shift one's position, and be bruised in a new place.”
Washington Irving

In this moment, I am trying to find relief in change. I have always liked to that I was an adaptable person, willing to change with enthusiasm and minimal bitching. Now as I sit at this desk in the early morning hours I realize that in my current situation I can not be the person I thought I was. So here goes the lack of enthusiasm and some random bitching.

I have worked for my current employer for 8 years. The company has gone through many changes during that time. I have endured them all. Change in owners, bosses, positions, and locations. I have always felt that I was a loyal, dedicated and hard working employee. I have a sense of pride for what I do and how I do it. A 15 minute conference call changed everything.

Earlier in the week, a company wide email was sent out by Human Resources. This email was announcing a mandatory conference call hosted by the president of the company. Of course this sparked conversation and much speculation in the days preceding the call. Everyone placed their bets on things such as the president is resigning or a revision of the bonus plan. It was exciting. If this were Vegas, the house won! No one could have guessed what our fearless leader was about to say on the telephone.

Insert creepy man voice starting now

Good afternoon or morning depending on what part of the country you are in. I would like to thank you all for a job well done. We have had another successful year. I have an announcement to make. After this announcement there will be no Q & A. Any questions must be directed to this email address. As of May 31 all management contracts run out. We will also be combining specific regions. When you contract is up you are no longer employed here. Your positions have been eliminated. We will have 3 new positions that you can apply for and they are posted on the website. You must apply, be interview, and then we will make our selections. By the way, this job posting is available to outsiders as well. Blah, Blah, Blah (at this point I am shocked and I hear nothing else until...) thank you all, and have a nice day.

Stops creepy man voice and imagine total silence.

It seemed like 3 minutes from his last word until the first manager hung up. I sat there thought that this is BULLSHIT. WOW! Looking at the big picture, come May 31st I may be jobless. I have a huge wall full of awards that I have earned. I am the most decorated manager in the company and I have to APPLY TO WORK HERE. I really felt like saying fuck you very much before I hung up. But the thought of paying rent and eating pretty much stopped me.

If I apply I may not get the job or worse I may be forced to work with people that I can not stand. I do not know how to find relief in this.

Tue, 22 Feb 2005 03:07:16 GMT

[01] Reply with your name and I will write something about you.

[02] I will then tell you what song/BAND reminds me of you.

[03] Next, I will tell you who you remind me of, celebrity/animated or otherwise.

[04] Last, I will try to name a single word that best describes you.

[05] Put this in your journal.

Here comes the rain again

Tue, 14 Sep 2004 22:12:45 GMT

Isn't it amazing how the rain sucks the life right out of you. Personally, I find that waking up to rain isn't quite worth the effort. So today, my friends, I was late for work. I guess that really would not surprise anyone. I am usually late for work. Good thing is, I am the boss. No one cares to mention to me that I am late. Some time ago, I made a successful effort to convince my team that I am afraid to drive in the rain. They are now convinced that my fear is so deep, I will not drive over 20mph in a drizzle. This is a totally acceptable reason to be late to work and everyone seems soooo understanding. My biggest concern about the rain though is that people in Jax do not know how to drive in the rain. (Maybe this is a "Why Jacksonville Sucks" post) It might as well be a blizzard here. People do not know how to react to the rain. I have observed 2 types of hazardous drivers during rain. One is the grandma, too cautious to go at a safe speed and too dumb to pay attention to the surrounding vehicles. The other is the race car driver. In a hurry to get to the finish line regardless of track conditions. I was almost hit by the latter of the two. After he realized his stupidity, he did not even look at me to receive the have a nice day in sign language I had prepared for him. That was rather upsetting. I really do try to be kind to my "friends" on the road. To sum up all this blabber: Next time I am going to tell my team that I can not come in to work when it rains or when rain is in the forecast. Maybe I can slip Tim Deegan some cash. I can sleep all day, and I do not have to face the road. Bring on that hurricane! I have finally found out how to get a day off without guilt!

Mother's Day Tears

Sun, 09 May 2004 15:19:51 GMT

Happy Mother's Day to all of you ladies out there that have children or have men in your lives that act like children. No offense to you guys out there that are responsible, reliable, and do the right things. Today is a rough day for some of us. For those of you out there that have lost their mother's due to death or emotional distance, it is a day of reflection possibly filled with sorrow. For those of you that have lost your children, it is a day of pain. For me, it is a day of regret. I placed a child up for adoption 7 years ago. Although I have a daughter that lives with me, today is a difficult day to celebrate. Knowing I have another daughter in the world I am unable to be with is difficult to deal with. Although I think of her almost everyday, today is one of the hardest. While many of you spend the day with your mothers or children, tell them how great it is to have them in your life. Some of us will not have that opportunity.

Depression

Wed, 05 May 2004 01:06:47 GMT

So tonight I sit here at the computer, as I usually do, and wonder why I feel this way. I feel lost, confused, and mostly depressed. Often I feel like this....mostly at night. As the one I adore reads a book, I sit here.......BORED. Personal research has made me realize that this is the cause of my depression...boredom. One might thing that the cure it to DO SOMETHING. NEWSFLASH, I am too depressed to do anything about it. Funny huh? What concerns me most is that I can't find anything to occupy my brain that I can share with the one I adore. Recent evaluation of the relationship has shown that we have little in common. We like different kinds of foods, listen to different types of music, have different political ideas, have different interests all the way around. Many times he agrees to fit into my world and I find it difficult to fit into his. WOW that is a selfish realization. So still we sit 6 feet away from each other not knowing how to reach out. It might as well be 600 miles at times. We just cannot seem to connect. That really concerns me. I guess when you are depressed, everything concerns you.

New Day

Tue, 06 Apr 2004 22:12:38 GMT

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Okay, maybe is it the last day of having a life considering that is journal thing appears to be an addiction for so many. I have peeked into so many people's lives and now I can no longer resist being part of it. So here I am. Where the future leads....no one knows!